Look at this GIF of WWE Champion Roman Reigns almost killing a man on television.
It’s an absolutely mesmerising sequence of events. It blossoms like a flower.
At first, it’s just a man hurling another man out of a wrestling ring. It may take a few watches to realise how nasty a fall it actually is – to see the facial impact, the bounce, and the “Oh fuck, is my nose still there?” reaction of the poor guy’s right arm. After about ten loops, you might start to notice that unsettling blood smear left behind on the floor.
Around twenty loops in, once the tiny thrill of watching another human’s misfortune has subsided, you might think about the lasting damage. I’m writing this three and a half days after the SmackDown tapings, and I know that right now, somewhere in America, there’s a man struggling to be happy – his eyes blackened, his nose swollen, his neighbours curious.
Twenty-five loops in, it kind of gets funny again – but you feel guilty this time.
Thirty loops in, and it becomes clear that Roman Reigns has ruined this man’s Christmas.
Evil men throughout history live on in infamy, while the identities of their victims are gradually forgotten over time. Just this Wednesday, Finn Balor dressed as Jack the Ripper for NXT TakeOver: London. He didn’t scuttle to the ring as Mary Ann Nichols or Annie Chapman – and yes, I did have to Google those names, because history forgets the victims, dammit.
It’s time to right that wrong. This week, WWE Champion Roman Reigns demolished a man’s face with a clumsy flail of his ridiculous arms, and we’re going to spare a thought for that poor soul this Christmas.
There he is, second from the right. You might notice that his posture is the best of anybody in the picture – shoulders back, chest out, mean facial expression. He’s even ironed his trousers (unlike Creasey McSlobson to the left, who also can’t seem to clasp his hands properly, are you serious dude?).
From top to bottom, our man is the perfect nameless security guard – a fantastic piece of casting work from WWE. Easily, he is the best of the bunch.
Only the good die young.
I don’t know if he’s a WWE developmental wrestler, or perhaps some sort of local indie talent – but no level of experience could have saved this man’s nose, mouth, or dignity. As our mothers all taught us: sometimes in life, a large, comically masculine Samoan man is going to throw you over the top rope, and he’s going to do it all wrong. There’s nothing you can really do about it.
Let’s pretend you haven’t already scrolled up to re-watch that GIF several times already. Go and watch it again, and look at Roman’s initial attempt to throw our security guy over the top. It actually looks like he’s trying to snap the guy’s head off at the jaw, using the top rope as a makeshift fulcrum. Reigns is that friend you have, the one who thinks he can violently open a beer bottle on the edge of the kitchen table, but he can’t really, and now there’s beer and glass all over the floor, and the girl you were flirting with has cut her leg, and the party’s ruined, Roman.
Then there’s that brief, panicked scuffle. Our security guy seems to be saying “Fuck the convincing nature of the spot; my actual safety is at risk here, and I’m taking a soft bump”, and Roman seems to be saying “We’re going to make this look good, Christmas be damned!”
Then there’s the impact, of course – the sort of impact my dad would describe as “naughty”, because he enjoys using that word to describe things that aren’t naughty at all; things like a powerful motorbike passing us on the road, or the sound of thunder whenever there’s a storm.
I can’t help but imagine our security guy as a warm-hearted family man. He’s five years into a perfect marriage with his childhood sweetheart. He usually thrives during the festive season, delivering gifts with a genuine smile, visiting his parents and shovelling snow from all the driveways in their neighbourhood. This year there’ll be no shovelling, and there’ll be no smile. His infant son will cry and squirm when daddy tries to give him a Christmas Day hug, unable to recognise the swollen, bruised visage before him.
Or perhaps he’s a young singleton, ready to tear up the town and enjoy some good-natured banter with his closest friends. On New Year’s Eve, he’ll throw back some beers and try to forget the whole “your face looks absolutely terrible” thing. As the clock strikes midnight and young revellers plant jubilant kisses on one another, he’ll stand at the corner of the dancefloor, drunk and alone.
Ultimately, I think the most telling thing about the GIF is that it looks like a shoot. A non-wrestling fan could watch it and buy it as real: the genuine urgency in Roman’s movements, the two other men rushing to prevent it, and the fact that surely – surely – nobody would do that to another man if he cared about his Christmas.
Well I care about your Christmas, nameless security man, and I hope – I hope against all odds – that you have a fantastic one. Believe dat.
Jack G. King 